The Book of Jack x Will Crack Fics
by Jars of Dirt
Summary: Each strange but slashtastic idea is another oneshot. Run by two girls with way too much time on their hands. Enjoy!
1. Dancing

**Author's Note**:

Hi there! It's Heather and Katie again, with a new account devoted solely to slash. To celebrate a fresh new start, we're proud to present to you...

**THE BOOK OF JACK/WILL CRACK FICS!**

That's right. Whatever meaningless, slashy, oneshot fictions pop into our head, we'll type out.  
This could be very long.  
We already have a bunch waiting to be posted, but we plan on spacing them by at least a couple of days.

So, enjoy! Oh, and yes, we are clinically insane. (:

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** The Book of Jack/Will Crack Fics**

_Dancing._

The boat sounded like it was under attack.

Scratch that, Will thought as something pounded once again on the boat's deck. It sounded like elephants were stampeding out there.

Will Turner sat up in bed, rubbed his eyes, and yawned. He stretched, cricked his neck, and then stood, tip-toeing silently up the stairs and onto deck.

Where he had to try very, very hard to stifle his laughter.

Captain Jack Sparrow, who should've been at the wheel, was prancing around deck.

No. Make that _dancing._

Jack was twirling some invisible partner around the deck, jumping every now and then, and drinking a bottle of rum all the same.

And no matter how much Will tried, he didn't succeed. It took three-or-so seconds before Will burst out into fits of laughter.

Jack froze.

"Who's there?" he asked, spinning around and froze, once again, at the sight of Will as he walked out into view.

"Having fun there, Jack?"

Jack grinned and nodded. "Yeah, quite fun," he admitted, taking a last swig of rum before setting it down to the side and walking up to Will.

Will gulped as Jack stepped closer, and then turned bright red as Jack whispered something in his ear:

"But it'd be twice as fun with a partner."

* * *


	2. Hairy Back

Holy cow! I don't think I've EVER seen reviews fly in for a less than 400-word fic. XD Thank you guys so much!   
Unfortunately, Katie's spending a short vacation in Florida until Tuesday, so I, Heather, will be updating until she can get her butt back on. (:

For the record, _Dancing_ was written by Katie  
Please keep reading!

**The Book of Jack/Will Crack Fics.  
**_Hairy Back - _Written by Heather.

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On quiet nights, when the ship was tied up to a dock, Will preferred to sit on deck, flipping through a book or socialize with the other crew members.

What he DID not prefer to do was listen to the high-pitched shrill of Elizabeth's scream, piercing the silence surrounding him.

Will sighed and got up, to, you know, go calm her down. He was good at that, since she only listened to him for some reason. She became obnoxious after a while.

He climbed down the steps into the cabin, where, instead of finding Elizabeth, he found Jack, sitting at the foot of his cot, looking crestfallen and rather shirtless. Will tried to ignore the blush crawling to the surface of his skin.

Jack looked up at Will, startled by his sudden entrance. "Ah, Will. Do me a favour, will you?"

"Er… what?" Will muttered hesitantly. Jack looked so damn good without his shirt on.

"Go hogtie that wretched woman and throw her in the hold." There was an evil glint in his eye.

Will quirked an eyebrow. "And what, exactly, did she say to you this time that would make you want to lock her up?"

There was a long silence before Jack hung his head and said quietly, "She said I have a hairy back. Then she screamed and ran off."

Will took a moment to let that soak in before he burst out laughing. "Well… if it makes you feel any better…" He started, as Jack looked up at him again. "I think it's rather attractive." He winked at Jack, not really knowing what had gotten into him, and left.

* * *

**A/N: **THERE'S TOTALLY A QUOTE IN POTC THAT SUPPORTS JACK'S HAIRY BACK.  
I'll leave it up to you to go find it. ;o  



	3. Dress Up

**KATIE'S NOTE OF DOOM! No, seriously, there's some doom in this. BEWARE!  
**Hiiiii! Guess who's back from vacation and updating!  
If you got that wrong, I so pity you. Go... repeat the 1st grade... or something...  
ANYWAYS.

Thanks for the revieeeeews. -twirl- They all rock.

THIS ONE GOES OUT TO ALL THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WEARING BLUE SOCKS.  
You know who you are.

Oh, by the way, for all you cool stacks of beans out there that hate Elizabeth, you get a free jar of dirt, courtsey of Cap'n Jack. He loves you for rocking SO FREAKING MUCH.  
Yeah. That's right.

**The Book of Jack/Will Crack Fics:  
**_Dress-Up -_By yours truly. (:

WARNING, YOUS: THIS'UN CONTAINS MILD SPOILERS FOR THE SECOND MOVIE. Pirates, ye be warned.

**KEEP ROCKIN' THE BOAT, PEEPS. (:**

* * *

_Dress-Up_

"What the hell, Jack!" Will asked, squirming to get out of Jack's grasp. Jack laughed, and Will could almost picture Jack's smirk. Too bad he was blindfolded.

"Now, love, the sooner you do what I ask, the sooner this is over, savvy?" Jack tightened his grip on Will's wrists. "Do you trust me?"

"I… I can't trust a pirate!"

"You don't trust yourself, mate? I knew you were a bit depressed about Elizabeth giving me the once-over, but-"

"I'm not a pirate!"

Jack laughed. "Of course you're not. Do you trust me?"

"I-"

"Will. You've been on this ship with me long enough. There has to be a reason you don't just take a lifeboat and sail away, other than the fact that you can't manage a boat to save your life. Now, if I may be mistaken, the reason you were first on here was to save Elizabeth, but now that she's out of your life, there has to be some other. Now either you trust me or you're insane."

Will sighed. "I… I trust you."

"Good. Then do what I say." Jack released Will's wrists. Will reached up, as if to pull the blindfold off, but Jack slapped his hand. "The blindfold stays until we're done."

Will gulped, but nodded. The next request, however, had him nearly choking on his breath.

"Take off your clothes."

"Wh-_what_?"

"You heard me, mate. All of them. Except your undergarments."

Will gulped, but complied, taking off his clothes. Within a few minutes, he was in nothing but his underwear.

"I feel incredibly stupid."

"Now, love, don't be like that." Will heard Jack walking around, and every now and then he'd stop. Will could feel Jack's eyes on him, and he blushed. Finally, Jack stopped in front of him.

"Lift your arms." Will did so. Jack walked off and then came back. Will felt something being put over his head, and onto his arms. _A shirt?_ Jack was dressing him.

"The hell, Jack?"

"You trust me, right? Keep your arms up." Next, Jack put on a jacket. "Hold out your hands." He walked off again, and came back, shoving pants into Will's hands. "Put these on."

Item by item, Will was being re-dressed in clothes he wasn't familiar with. Finally, the boots were slipped on. He felt something being tied around his head.

"And the final touch…" he heard Jack mutter before something was being put on his head. Jack was untying his blindfold the next minute, and when it was off, Will opened his eyes and stared at the mirror in front of him.

"Holy…" Will muttered, eyes wide. There he was, his reflection in the mirror, although he didn't recognise himself. He was standing clad in a pirate outfit- hat and all.

"Jack… where did you get these?" Will asked, motioning to his clothes.

"That was my first pirate outfit, love," Jack muttered. "You can't be a pirate without the proper wardrobe, mate."

Will blushed. "Thanks, Jack."

"No problem. Now… get undressed again."

Will laughed. "Jack, you're not going to dress me again, are you? I'm not a doll."

Jack stepped closer, grinning. "Who said anything about getting dressed again?"

* * *

**A/N:** If you love Cap'n Jack, you'll review. Or I'll take back that jar of dirt I promised.  
-shifty eyes- 


	4. Lip Balm

**YOOOO HOO! **Heather here, ONCE AGAIN, MY LOVELIES. Katie has a CRAZY internet vocabulary.  
Were you antsy? ;o  
All I can say is that all you reviewers are feeding our egos (not eggos, you see) **LIKE WHOA**.

SO. This one goes out to all y'all who're wearing some flavah o' lipbalm.  
RUM'S ON US. If you can find it.

**THE BOOK OF JACK/WILL CRACK FICS.**

**Lip Balm.  
**_Written by Heather AND Katie._

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Jack shifted his weight in frustration, carelessly moving the ship's wheel with him. The ship swerved, and Jack took no notice to the Black Pearl's erratic behaviour.

The captain screwed up his face in frustration and licked his lips for the thirteenth time that minute, only to have the lapping wind in his face dry up his saliva, and so the process repeated. "Bloody lips, you'd think someone would come up with a cure for this already…" He mumbled under his breath.

Will, amused by Jack's steering skills and strange facial expression, strolled up to him, arms folded. "I would ask what you're doing, but I'm rather afraid to know the answer," He said, a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"My lips are chapped," Jack grunted bluntly. He licked his lips again.

Will pulled something from his pocket. "Ah, mate, then you ought to use this." He handed Jack a small, cylindrical container full of something of a jelly consistency.

"What is it?" Jack wondered aloud, turning it over in his hand.

"Lip balm," Will answered him intelligently. "The sea salt, it cracks my lips, too."

Jack hesitantly put some on his lips. "…Will, this tastes like rum." He stated, spreading the balm around with his tongue.

"That's because I used some rum to mask the bland flavour," Will added nervously.

"So… that's why all the rum's gone…" Jack said slowly, still tasting the lip balm as if it were the most delicious thing in the world. "Aye, mate, is this stuff Elizabeth's?"

Will blinked. "No, it's mine. Why do you ask?"

"Because…" Jack faced him, a coy smile on his lips. "I might have enjoyed it less if your lips hadn't touched it first."

And with that, Jack sauntered down the stairs to the main deck, leaving Will a good shade of crimson.

* * *

Jack was at the wheel again. He had stolen that thing Will had- what did he call it, lip balm?- and was currently using it… again. Hell, it worked like magic. This boy was more of a magician than a pirate. 

Suddenly, a hand was on his shoulder. He whipped around, only to be kissed senseless by a certain Will Turner. Before he could respond, Will pulled away and grinned.

"Will, wha-" Jack began, blushing.

"My lips were chapped." And with that, Will snatched the lip balm out of Jack's hands, and sauntered off, whistling.

* * *

**A/N:** I suddenly have the urge to sing that milkshake song... 


	5. Games

**GOOD EVENING, SEATTLE! ARE YOU READY TO _ROCK?_**  
Good! Because Katie is HERE!**-fangirl screams-  
**Yes. Because I'm incredibly hot.

All seriousness aside, I come bearing an UPDATE.  
Oh my God! No way!  
YES WAY.  
This deserves more screaming, yes?  
**-fangirl screams-**  
Good little minions. (:

This update was brought to you by **HEATHER.  
**Who is also incredibly hot and deserves screaming.  
**-fangirl screams-  
**OKAY, THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT.

FOR ALL YOU CAP ERASERS OUT THERE THAT ARE WEARING BERMUDA SHORTS, THIS ONE'S FOR _YOU_ **AND** YOUR GRANDMAS.

**WARNING, PEOPLES:** This one is **SERIOUS CRACK.** Like, you can't even get this stuff in Columbia. And it's set all futuristic-like. (:

**CONTEXT IS YOUR FRIEND, KIDDIES. **

For all the cool cats out there that think Will and Jack would have _gorgeous_ kids if it was genetically possible, you get A PIRATE SWORD.  
Courtesy of Will. Because he loves you. AND YOUR REVIEWS.** -hint.- **

**KEEP ROCKIN' THE BOAT, BISHES.**

**The book of Jack/Will CRACK fics:  
**_Games-_ Brought to you by** HEATHER**

* * *

"You heard correctly, mate, twist it." 

Jack and Will were so close they were pressed up against each other, beads of sweat dripping down the sides of their faces. They'd been going at it intensely for what seemed like ages.

"Don't need to ask twice," Will said with a smirk, taking a sweaty hand and filling out the command. Jack made a soft noise of discomfort.

"Pull it."

"Pull it?" Jack repeated in confusion. "Pull what?"

"Right there, it's obvious."

"You mean this?" And Jack followed through with the action. Will moaned.

"Dammit, Jack, that's the fifth time!" Will cried out in frustration, backing away.

"I'm sorry, mate, I just can't figure these damned electronic games out." He turned the device over in his hand, Will fanning himself. "It doesn't help that it's flaming hot out, either, savvy?"

"Until you learn that the blue, spoon-shaped thing is 'pull it'," Will started, sighing, "You're going to have to play Bop-It with Elizabeth." And with that, he walked away.

Jack called after him, whining. "Whaaat? But she cheeeats!"

* * *

**A/N:** Review or Will will sick the Jack/Will babies on you. 


	6. Crossdressing

**AUTHOR'S NOTICE:  
**WELL HELLO THERE, PEOPLE.  
This is Katie, and-  
WHOA JAYSUS.  
I thought I was dead. Wow. That's weird. I feel like I've been dead for a while now.  
Since last... July? Huh. Weird.  
Who decided to raise me?

Well, whoever it was, they're waking up with something very hairy and spikey in the morning.

HI. I am Katie and I am apparently alive. As is this fic! Oh, just when you thought you got rid of us for good. It's not that easy! (:

For all you rainbow fishies swimming under old LSD sheets, this one is for YOU.  
Yeah. That's right. It's back.

**THIS CHAPTER IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER 'H'.**  
It's called _Crossdressing._  
By both Heather and your hot host, Katie. (:

If you think that we shouldn't die for a long amount of time again, you get a second heart (LIKE DOCTOR WHO!). Courtsey of... well... us (and the Time Lords).

* * *

Will Turner was very, very much in love with a man who was very, very much not Elisabeth.

_Well, duh_, he thought. Elisabeth wasn't a man (though she did cross-dress an awful lot, and gosh, that did explain a lot of things). But anyways, the point was.

Will. In love. Not Elisabeth. What?

And this man, this not-Elisabeth, was Jack Sparrow.

You see, Will and Elisabeth got into a very heated argument about her sneaky little kissing session with Mister Jack Sparrow, which ended in her throwing her ring on the ground.

Ouch.

So, Will turned his attention to more calling things: the sea, piracy, and most of all... Jack.

Sadly, the captain did not return his feelings.

Which was a shame, really. Because Will? Couldn't stop thinking about a certain captain.

And it wasn't _fair_, really, because Jack just _had_ to go gallivanting around without his shirt on most of the time. There was one time where he even went gallivanting around without his pants on, during which Will had to go lie down for a few minutes to calm himself.

Well, after that episode, poor Will decided to do something about this creeping feeling.

* * *

"...Pardon?"

Jack was nearly speechless. He'd just been in his quarters, minding his own business and searching for another bottle of rum, when Will came galloping down the stairs with a most fabulous announcement.

Will was a talkative drunk, really. You know, the one that likes to tell their whole life story within a long, fast slur of random words and then pass out right afterwards?

Well, that's Will. Except Will never passes out. It's more of a girlish faint, really.

"I love you! Well, not really love, more like, hmm, mad passionate lust, the kind where every other thought is 'God, he's got to be a good fuck', but that's okay."

And then Will girlishly fainted.

Jack shifted his weight uncomfortably. "That was rather blunt, lad, don't you think you ought to come to and sober up now?" He prodded Will's body with his foot cautiously.

"I'm talking to a body," Jack realised aloud, and bent down, petting Will fondly on the head before leaning over and stealing all the money from his pockets.

"Never know when you'll get drunk again," Jack muttered, and went to plunder Will's cabin.

Will woke up the next day with the strong urge to slap Jack.

* * *

"I was wondering why my pockets felt considerably lighter," Will mused to himself, hoisting himself up off the damp floor. On his way up on deck, he recognized the yells of Jack's deep voice and the chaos that is casting off. He quickly pulled one scurrying crew member aside and asked him what the hell was going on.

"We're headin' to Tortuga, mate," the man said in a rush, practically out of breath (he WAS a great deal overweight). Will raised an eyebrow.

"Why, exactly? Are we recruiting new members? Going to claim revenge on some deserving wretch?" With each suggestion, Will's eyes lit up. Aaah, naïveté.

The man looked at him like he was covered in bees. "No, mate, he just wants to get drunk properly, s'all."

Will blinked. "Oh. Well, okay."

Jack sauntered up to him. "William, my boy!" he said, pulling him aside. "We need to have a good talk."

Will blinked once more. He was doing that a lot lately. "Why?"

Jack shook his head. "See, mate, I don't like men. Not like… that. I'm more of a woman person, you know? Ladies' man. So, you're handsome and all, but, I don't see how it can work out. Kay? Good." Jack slapped his shoulder and walked off, ready to sail off.

Will blinked once more. What was that?

* * *

Blue was _definitely_ a good colour on Will.

Will had to keep that in mind later, because he found himself wearing a flowing blue dress, black dress shoes, and fake breasts. And a wig.

Why in the hell he was dressed like a woman, he didn't really know. Some great idea about how, if Jack didn't like men, he should dress like a woman- he was drunk, and it was a good idea at the time. But the point was, he looked pretty damn good as a woman, judging by the way that every guy in Tortuga, drunk or not, stopped, turned, and dropped their jaws at the sight of him.

That, or he was ugly. But he was pretty sure it was because he looked good as a girl.

Which was sort of scary, now that he thought about it.

Will sped up as a couple of men's hands went in search of his ass. He turned around and batted his eyes. Putting on his best falsetto, he said, "Sorry, but that's reserved for a certain Captain Sparrow." He giggled femininely, having no idea what had just come over him.

The two men looked at each other strangely. Almost as if they were jealous. They could've been grossed out... but Will hoped the former for his own sake.

* * *

Word spread pretty fast. "The pretty chick is taken, by _Jack_," the sailors whispered, scowling as Jack Sparrow walked by.

And Jack had absolutely no idea why. These people were his friends, and when Giselle walked up to him, said, "Oh, so you're with HER now?", and then pointed at the single most beautiful woman _ever_, Jack realised he was more drunk than he thought.

But hey, he apparently was with a beautiful woman.

Jack turned back to her and tried to strangle out (through all of his gaping), "Well, er, I don't exactly remem—"

However, he was cut off by a cold bitchslap to the face.

Giselle stormed off as Jack rubbed his cheek... but he had more pressing matters.

It was time to see who exactly this drop dead gorgeous woman was, and why she wanted in HIS pants.

"Hello," Jack drawled, walking up to her, and the woman giggled daintily.

Hot.

Jack blushed just a bit. "And what might your name be?"

"Wilma," she giggled again.

"Ah," Jack said, staggering a bit. "And... what's this I hear about you wanting me so badly?"

Wilma blushed, saying something along the lines of 'I must make you mine'. Jack wasn't paying very much attention. He was busy trying to get a front row glimpse down her blouse.

"So, uhm, why don't we just head on back to my ship and..."

Wilma giggled again, twirling her hair and nodding. "Sure, that would be-"

"WILL!?" someone screeched, and Elisabeth emerged from the crowd, staring at him. "Are you wearing a DRESS?!"

Of course. The cross-dressing king _knew_ how to spot out Will in a dress. It was like she was a fucking bloodhound or something.

'Wilma' whipped around in shock, choking out a "What?", minus the falsetto. She cleared her voice and tried again. "What?" Her voice tinkled; Jack had no idea how SHE could really be a HE. A HE that worked on his ship. Dear Lord.

Elisabeth tsked and looked him over. "William, you do know you don't have the ass for that gown, really." She folded her arms and looked at him as if they were still a couple and he just got caught eating something he shouldn't.

Jack stared at Wilma- Will- and blinked. Wow, boy looked smokin' in that dress.

Jack Sparrow did _not_ just use the term 'smokin'.

He coughed. "Uh, Will, can I see you back on the ship? Now?" And before Will could answer, he was being dragged off by the wrist by Jack.

"And next time, I would suggest a little less eye make-up!" Elisabeth called after them.

* * *

Will stumbled into his too-high heels as Jack literally yanked him on board.

"What the hell are you doing, mate?" He whispered furiously, looking around as if there were ninjas stationed everywhere.

"Well, you said that you wouldn't be with me because I'm a guy," Will said lamely. "So I thought... if I dressed up as a girl..."

"That has to be the stupidest plan _ever_," Jack said, shaking his head. "Here, is this what you want?" Before Will could question, Jack kissed him lightly.

Will danced inside his skin as Jack pulled away. He stared in shock; Jack, noticing his pretty strange expression, shrugged and just said, "When in Rome, love. Speaking of which..."

At that moment, Jack grabbed Will's 'breast'. When Will looked up him, bewildered, Jack nodded. "For good measure."

After Jack had sauntered off, Will hugged his fake boob tightly.

"I'm never washing you."

* * *

The next morning, Will woke up, rubbed his eyes, and walked out on deck.

What he saw... sort of surprised him.

It was Jack, in a dark, purple dress and heels. "You know, Will, gay pirates doesn't really sound as hot as 'lesbian pirates', does it? So, I'm thinking, if we're going to do this..."

Will shook his head and walked away laughing.

Now where did he put that dress?

* * *

**Note:** BWHAHA. Lesbian pirates. My two hearts beat simultaneously for you guys. SEE YOU NEXT TIME! 


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